Our undercover reporter has a part-time job as a contract cleaner working at the Treasury, and managed to sneak into George Osborne’s office late last night where, screwed up under the desk, he found a piece of paper headed.

TOP SECRET - BRIEFING NOTES TO CoE.

We aren't sure who exactly CoE is as there are quite a few organisations with that acronym and for all we know he could be addressing the Bishops of the Church of England, but we felt that it was in the public interest to reveal the contents. The paper was headed

"Advice on how to solve the world’s economic crisis and restore market confidence and growth"

“It will all be over by Bonus Day,” says top brass.

Speaking from their heavily fortified bunker in Birmingham, the top brass of the DimLambs announced that they were preparing all out battle on wealthy fat cats, and were on the warpath against the evils of corporate greed, tax avoidance and tax evasion.

General Mick Cloggs and his deputy Colonel ‘Invincible’ Cobbles made a joint statement to the effect that high earners who didn’t pay their fair share of tax would be made to surrender it to the state.

Take her best and walk away
Someone else can bloody pay
This land will cope with come what may
and I have expectation!

Take her best and leave the rest
For as with Abel, I am blessed
And now with debt I cannot wait
another day

I have your ear for sympathy?
The public good sounds good to me
and now my work of love is done
I hope with offer, you have come

Within each famine nests a feast
While fortune smiles upon the beast
Equipped to dine with tooth and claw
And those ..one step ahead the law

There is increasing nervousness in government circles about proposed changes that will split up and ring-fence the retail arm of the banks from the tarnished investment or ‘casino’ operations that contributed to the current crash.

However, we have obtained a leaked draft report containing proposals suggesting that far from separating the retail and investment arms, the government is planning to allow the banks to become more profitable by expanding their activities into the mainstream betting industry.

Our sleuths have discovered that the hacking scandal has extended to eavesdropping on private conversations between doctors and patients. We have been passed the transcript of one conversation from a surgery somewhere in the Whitehall area.

There was an old woman
Who banked with the Euro.
She had so little money
She didn’t know how to
Pay her bills
And feed her children.

She was up to her neck
In millions of debt.
She was strapped for cash and
Her economy?
Trash!