Land Value Taxation Campaign

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Home Dodgy Dossier

Dodgy dossier

Welcome to the Dodgy Dossier. Here can be found reports from, amongst other contributors, the Campaign's team of newshounds, as well as our resident economic analyst Charlotte-Anne Schreiber. Some of the stories in this part of the web site may be informative, but please be warned that they have been written with tongue firmly in cheek and should  not be taken too seriously. Have a good laugh!

Many Happy Returns

It's that time of the year when they drop through the letter box. Welcome to the World, planet earth. When you joined the society of mankind you were entitled to the use of the four elements freely and generously provided by nature - air water, sunshine and land.

Pasty makers browned-off

Our sleuth, who works for a firm of contract cleaners, has now got micro-sized tape recorders in pretty well all the places where government ministers are likely to meet. We will not reveal how this is done as it is so absurdly easy. They are checked regularly and although most of what they pick up is crushingly boring, once in a while a real gem turns up, like this little conversation here.

- Sit down, Gentlemen, we don't have much time. I have to see a deputation from the Consolidated Consortium of Cornish Pasty Provisioners in 15 minutes. They're in a crusty mood and threatening a bun fight if we don't come up with an answer.

- In just a few days we have had a crisis with Pensions, Planning, Petrol and now, for goodness sake, Pasties. What will be the next P?

- Protests?

- George you've really cooked our goose on this one. I've had more than a baker's dozen of calls and emails pointing out the absurdity of this pasty tax. I gather these pesky pasties are cooked until they're Gordon Brown on the outside …

- You mean golden brown,

- George, couldn't you have seen this coming?

- How was I to know these pasties were the nation's bread and butter?

- Just look at the definition of this hot food tax - "heated for the purposes of enabling it to be consumed at a temperature above the ambient air temperature and which is above that temperature when purchased." It's a recipe for disaster!

- This is pressure we don't want. Our poll rating has plummeted like a lead balloon. Labour are on a roll.

- Crumbs, we really are in hot water.

- This isn't pie in the sky it's the worst thing since sliced bread.

- I think we will find it's much a-dough about muffin.

- Come on, this is too serious for funny comments. A few more of this flops and we'll be stuffed ourselves.

Plans for an income tax scrapped

Schemes for a national 'income tax' in the UK have been ruled out as impracticable. The aim had been to introduce a tax system intended to be based on people's "ability to pay". Officials say it would take further three years just to conduct a nationwide survey of wages and salaries. Inspectors at HM Revenue & Customs had logged details of the wages paid to 25 million employees England and Wales, but the project was effectively torpedoed by George Osborne after he had ordered the deletion of a database compiled by HM Revenue & Customs spies, containing details of millions of people's earnings. The move means that any levy on incomes would now take years to introduce...

A cheering revelation

Ignore, dear reader, all the news of doom and gloom, because the good times are just around the corner. All talk to the contrary is nothing more than a diversion, because the Chancellor has firm plans to turn the country's economy round. Our sleuth, who continues to avoid detection as a cleaner in the Treasury building, has sent us a copy of what, written in his own hand, looks like the Chancellor's draft Budget address to the House next March.

I am delighted to put before the House proposals that I am confident will secure the economy against recession and lead to a relatively painless reduction in government debt. My proposals also have the merit of making tax avoidance impossible.

How to solve the world's economic crisis

Our undercover reporter has a part-time job as a contract cleaner working at the Treasury, and managed to sneak into George Osborne's office late last night where, screwed up under the desk, he found a piece of paper headed.


We aren't sure who exactly CoE is as there are quite a few organisations with that acronym and for all we know he could be addressing the Bishops of the Church of England, but we felt that it was in the public interest to reveal the contents. The paper was headed

"Advice on how to solve the world's economic crisis and restore market confidence and growth"


DimLambs declare war on fat cats

"It will all be over by Bonus Day," says top brass.

Speaking from their heavily fortified bunker in Birmingham, the top brass of the DimLambs announced that they were preparing all out battle on wealthy fat cats, and were on the warpath against the evils of corporate greed, tax avoidance and tax evasion.

General Mick Cloggs and his deputy Colonel 'Invincible' Cobbles made a joint statement to the effect that high earners who didn't pay their fair share of tax would be made to surrender it to the state.

Take her best and walk away

Take her best and walk away
Someone else can bloody pay
This land will cope with come what may
and I have expectation!

Take her best and leave the rest
For as with Abel, I am blessed
And now with debt I cannot wait
another day

I have your ear for sympathy?
The public good sounds good to me
and now my work of love is done
I hope with offer, you have come

Within each famine nests a feast
While fortune smiles upon the beast
Equipped to dine with tooth and claw
And those step ahead the law

By "Creel"

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