How to solve the world's economic crisis

Saturday, 24 September 2011 04:54 Dodgy dossier
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Our undercover reporter has a part-time job as a contract cleaner working at the Treasury, and managed to sneak into George Osborne’s office late last night where, screwed up under the desk, he found a piece of paper headed.

TOP SECRET - BRIEFING NOTES TO CoE.

We aren't sure who exactly CoE is as there are quite a few organisations with that acronym and for all we know he could be addressing the Bishops of the Church of England, but we felt that it was in the public interest to reveal the contents. The paper was headed

"Advice on how to solve the world’s economic crisis and restore market confidence and growth"

  1. Call an urgent meeting of world leaders and Finance Ministers.
  2. Set the date for 6 weeks' time.
  3. Send out clear signals (Morse or smoke) that you are ready to take whatever it takes without hinting what it will take.
  4. If pressed, simply say, “It will take time.”
  5. At press interviews use dynamic phrases such as, ‘we are determined to get a grip’, ‘we must be prepared to be nimble’, ‘we will act together in unison’, ‘we are all singing from the same balance sheet’.
  6. Emphasise how important the banking industry is to the success of the economy.
  7. Reassure people, especially central banks and investors, that you understand the problem and are prepared to take consolidated action.
  8. In private, intimate you are aware of how important it is that any solution must be geared to benefiting central banks and investors.
  9. Be prepared to sacrifice economic principles for vested interests.
  10. Make sure you do not use the word ‘speculators’ for ‘investors’.
  11. Keep repeating that you intend to restore market confidence; we will win the war for growth; that there are policy options available; and that a range of targeted measures can be used to reduce budget deficits without causing any hardship, service cuts and unemployment.
  12. Don’t get drawn into saying what exactly these are.
  13. Pretend to understand the effects of Quantitative Easing.
  14. At all times speak with authority and give the impression you know what you are talking about. To you the solution is obvious. Why can’t others see it?
  15. Start practising jumping through hoops.
  16. Finally, when it is clear that you do not have a clue what you are talking about and have absolutely no idea what to do, bury your head in the sand and hope that the crisis blows over.
 

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