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Home Dodgy Dossier The week in Worsemesster

The week in Worsemesster


Our team of newshounds stalk the corridors, comb the columns and earwig the airways to bring you the latest news, comment and criticism.  Our reporter had a hidden recorder when Alasspoor Darling was interviewed by the BBC after the announcement that Britain was officially out of recession. This is what the Chancellor really said:

"I can officially announce this evening that we have come out of recession. That’s really good news for everyone who has suffered at the hands of a Labour government for the past 12 years. I am confident we are on the right path. The path to recovery. Sustained recovery. Providing nobody pulls the rug from under our feet or the wool over our eyes.

Our policies – and your money – have produced an amazing 0.1% growth in the last quarter. Not 0%. Not 1%. But 0.1%. It could be worse and it’s better than nothing. It’s 0.1% better than nothing, so clearly it is something. A strong indication that we are heading on the right path. Did I say the right path? Of course I meant the left path. The left path is the right path but the right path is not the left path. Let there be no confusion about that. Or should that be this? There is no confusion about it as far as I am concerned. I am hedging my debts as I walk down the garden path – sorry, I meant up the garden path, that has lead us out of the downturn.

I may be a confidence trickster but it wasn’t me who said we had got the better of boom and bust. So you can believe me when I say we have waved goodbye to recession, doom and gloom.

Yes, there may be bumps along the road, but if you are asking me what difference QE has made I can say with confidence that it has made a difference to today’s figures. From minus 2.5% to a growth of 0.1%. Think of it! That’s actually a rise of 2.6%. Nobody could have predicted such a dramatic improvement after the mess he – sorry, we have made over the past 12years.

During the downturn we may have taken a wrong turn or two. But we are now in the upturn and the way ahead is straight in front of us. I think that this growth is an achievement I can be proud of – we can all be proud of - and that it will show our critics that we are capable of dragging ourselves out of recession, the slough of despond if you like – and are happily heading for the elysian fields of prosperity and equality for all.

Finally, let me say that although forecasting is difficult we are growing for goth. I’ve looked at the entrails and the signs are good. The scar crapage scheme has worked wonders on our imports of foreign vehicles. We need more gimmicks like this. Our record is there for all to see - record deficit, record state spending, record levels of poverty, record bankruptcies. It’s a record we can be proud to put before the electors in May when we shall be returned with an even bigger majority so that we can finally bury the country under a mountain of debt.

Thank you for listening and paying your taxes. Like everything else they’ll be going up soon.

A Gobbledegook Publication
Another scoop from the desk of our reporter Mike Hawes
 

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